Build a Dog House!
Most trailers and homes in receivership could use a quality shelter for the resident pit-bull, doberman, rottweiler or illegal exotic pet. While it may be fun to leave them exposed to the elements, as well as being useful for keeping them mean, frostbite gangrenation can seriously impact your pet's ability to mutilate a county assessor. As such, keeping your animal sheltered is simply a way to fight back against the government.
Steps
1. Find a yard where somebody has a decent doghouse. Measure the sides, then purchase several one inch thick boards from your local lumberyard and cut them to the correct sizes.
2. Assemble with nails and glue, if needed.
3. After realizing you actually cut the boards to the wrong length, smash them up with your hammer and throw them into a nearby gravel road in a drunken fit of rage. Explain to your common-law wife that the 'college boy' down at the lumber yard with 'more education than plain common sense' sold you the wrong wood.
4. Go back to the yard with the nice doghouse and gently pry it out of the ground under cover of darkness. Backing your pickup over the owner's chainlink fence, shove the doghouse into the back of your pickup, chasing their dog away if needed. Once back at home, carefully place the doghouse adjacent to the engine block hanging from a tree branch in your front yard, close to both the main entrance and your mailbox.
5. Explain to the police that you don't know anything about your doghouse being stolen. Tell them it mysteriously appeared in your front yard, a claim supported by the mysterious appearance of garbage and junked out cars there in the past. Go on to explain that you don't even keep your dog in a house or on a chain. After all, if you did, how could your dog have been responsible for all of those maulings last year at the pre-school across town?
6. Have your nephew, Cleatus, pawn your collection of historic shot glasses for bail money before giving you a ride home from the county lockup. Stop off at blockbuster and rent as many episodes of Law and Order as you can find to prepare for your legal defense when the trial date comes around.
7. Borrow cousin Floyd's old boat and prop it up near your mailbox. Write your pet's name on the side of it with a sharpie and use the mailbox post as a place to fasten a generous length of logging chain. In inclement weather console yourself by thinking, 'this must be what it was like for dogs in caveman times'.
Steps
1. Find a yard where somebody has a decent doghouse. Measure the sides, then purchase several one inch thick boards from your local lumberyard and cut them to the correct sizes.
2. Assemble with nails and glue, if needed.
3. After realizing you actually cut the boards to the wrong length, smash them up with your hammer and throw them into a nearby gravel road in a drunken fit of rage. Explain to your common-law wife that the 'college boy' down at the lumber yard with 'more education than plain common sense' sold you the wrong wood.
4. Go back to the yard with the nice doghouse and gently pry it out of the ground under cover of darkness. Backing your pickup over the owner's chainlink fence, shove the doghouse into the back of your pickup, chasing their dog away if needed. Once back at home, carefully place the doghouse adjacent to the engine block hanging from a tree branch in your front yard, close to both the main entrance and your mailbox.
5. Explain to the police that you don't know anything about your doghouse being stolen. Tell them it mysteriously appeared in your front yard, a claim supported by the mysterious appearance of garbage and junked out cars there in the past. Go on to explain that you don't even keep your dog in a house or on a chain. After all, if you did, how could your dog have been responsible for all of those maulings last year at the pre-school across town?
6. Have your nephew, Cleatus, pawn your collection of historic shot glasses for bail money before giving you a ride home from the county lockup. Stop off at blockbuster and rent as many episodes of Law and Order as you can find to prepare for your legal defense when the trial date comes around.
7. Borrow cousin Floyd's old boat and prop it up near your mailbox. Write your pet's name on the side of it with a sharpie and use the mailbox post as a place to fasten a generous length of logging chain. In inclement weather console yourself by thinking, 'this must be what it was like for dogs in caveman times'.
posted by Jack Cass at 9:59 PM
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