Make Your Own Water Heater!

While it's true that a luxury item like hot water is of little use to most members of the squatting and underemployment communities, obtaining it is so simple that it is a luxury everyone should enjoy.

Steps
1. Carefully compare prices on new and used water heaters in your area, noting which models fall into your price range.
2. After ruling out water heaters in your area, use an internet search engine to find an affordable water heater you can have shipped to you.
3. Having realized you can't afford a computer and you don't even really know what the internet is exactly (which begs the question of how you're reading this . . . oh, right, your parole officer printed it out for you) , give up and get ripped on a fifth of Jim Beam.
4. While drunk you have a dream where Jesus, dressed in a NASCAR cap, helps you build a home made water heater, then gives you a black eye because you say you heard football was invented by the Russians. Using your dream as the template, you drive to Farm and Fleet and purchase a large metal tub, some piping, and cinderblocks.
5. Run the pipe from the metal tub to the kitchen sink so you can use your hot water to wash your hair. Set the tub up on cinderblocks, surrounding the floor underneath the tub with large stones to form a fire-pit. Fill the tub with water, then pile wood, paper or insulation under the tub and light them on fire. Make sure the outlet pipe is attached near the top of the tub, just below the water level. To use the hot water, have your common-law wife lift up on the edge of the tub opposite the outlet pipe.
6. Salvage what remains from your trailer after the fire burns itself out and explain to the insurance adjustor that it must have been an electrical fire. When your common-law wife complains about the third degree burns on her hands and calls you an idiot tell her that if you're so bad maybe she should go back to that city fellah with the high falutin' job at K-mart. After she leaves put together a list of new, expensive items that you can tell the adjustor were destroyed in the fire.
7. Since you haven't made an insurance payment in a year and a half you receive nothing from the insurance company but a stern warning from their legal department. With no other choice you file a lawsuit against the owner of the property you've been illegally squatting on for not somehow preventing the fire. Using the money from the lawsuit, you purchase a used trailer with a water heater.

Build a Dog House!

Most trailers and homes in receivership could use a quality shelter for the resident pit-bull, doberman, rottweiler or illegal exotic pet. While it may be fun to leave them exposed to the elements, as well as being useful for keeping them mean, frostbite gangrenation can seriously impact your pet's ability to mutilate a county assessor. As such, keeping your animal sheltered is simply a way to fight back against the government.

Steps
1. Find a yard where somebody has a decent doghouse. Measure the sides, then purchase several one inch thick boards from your local lumberyard and cut them to the correct sizes.
2. Assemble with nails and glue, if needed.
3. After realizing you actually cut the boards to the wrong length, smash them up with your hammer and throw them into a nearby gravel road in a drunken fit of rage. Explain to your common-law wife that the 'college boy' down at the lumber yard with 'more education than plain common sense' sold you the wrong wood.
4. Go back to the yard with the nice doghouse and gently pry it out of the ground under cover of darkness. Backing your pickup over the owner's chainlink fence, shove the doghouse into the back of your pickup, chasing their dog away if needed. Once back at home, carefully place the doghouse adjacent to the engine block hanging from a tree branch in your front yard, close to both the main entrance and your mailbox.
5. Explain to the police that you don't know anything about your doghouse being stolen. Tell them it mysteriously appeared in your front yard, a claim supported by the mysterious appearance of garbage and junked out cars there in the past. Go on to explain that you don't even keep your dog in a house or on a chain. After all, if you did, how could your dog have been responsible for all of those maulings last year at the pre-school across town?
6. Have your nephew, Cleatus, pawn your collection of historic shot glasses for bail money before giving you a ride home from the county lockup. Stop off at blockbuster and rent as many episodes of Law and Order as you can find to prepare for your legal defense when the trial date comes around.
7. Borrow cousin Floyd's old boat and prop it up near your mailbox. Write your pet's name on the side of it with a sharpie and use the mailbox post as a place to fasten a generous length of logging chain. In inclement weather console yourself by thinking, 'this must be what it was like for dogs in caveman times'.